Summary: He can't afford to think about his targets, the one time he did he got caught and it nearly cost him his life.
It never occurs to him that maybe he should have a long time ago.
He cuts dirty deals and fights to protect the people he cares about. He's swindled, he's killed, he's stolen, all for the sake of his mother and the Abyss and his allies. He knows not everyone approves, particularly Ashe, who still frowns whenever he spots Yuri with one of his associates. Even his fellow Ashen Wolves think he's playing a dangerous game.
"It would devastate us to no end should this cost you your life," Constance has said, with Balthus and Hapi chiming in their agreement. He knows, and that's why he's gotten so skilled at running away if things go sour or ending the other person's life if he's backed into a corner. Fight or flight, it's been his mode of living since he was a kid.
Besides, he only goes after snotty nobles and other criminals. He's just taking what wasn't theirs to begin with and giving it to people who deserve it. He can't afford to think about his targets, the one time he did he got caught and it nearly cost him his life.
It never occurs to him that maybe he should have a long time ago.
He walks into the Abyss's infirmary to find a boy roughly Lysithea's age standing over his mother, holding a knife, and his heart just about stops. He doesn't even think before he tackles the kid and thrusts the knife into his stomach, blood sprays everywhere and the kid shrieks with pain.
"Father-!"
Yuri makes the mistake of looking at the kid's face, and the eyes slam into him like a stone. The man who double-crossed him on a business deal a few weeks ago, took more than his share of the gold and whom Yuri ended up killing in their scuffle.
He didn't even think to ask why. Now he knows, and it's much too late for either of them. The boy bleeds out, and it's all Yuri can do not to cry as his hands get soaked.
"I don't want to do this anymore."
He stayed with his mother because for once, she wanted to make sure he was okay. It was past midnight when he finally came back to camp, hands crusted with the boy's blood. Ashe, always waiting up for him, immediately rushed him to their tent and helped him clean up.
He lies on Ashe's bedroll in his nightclothes, staring up at the ceiling, a dull ache in his chest. Ashe sits beside him, the picture of concern.
"I can only imagine how it felt to find your mother in such danger." Yuri shakes his head.
"That's just the tip of the iceberg." He closes his eyes. "Remember that deal from a few weeks ago? The guy I killed?" He swallows. "Tonight, I sent his kid to him. The guy had a kid, a fucking kid he was just trying to provide for, I took that kid's father, and my mother almost paid for it!"
Before he even finishes speaking, Ashe hugs him hard.
"You didn't know...Yuri, you didn't know, he never-"
"I should've asked. Before I chased him and yelled at him, I should've asked him why. If I'd known, then-" His voice shakes. "He was a fucking kid. And my mother, she could've died because of what I did, the boy just wanted to avenge his father..."
He feels stupid for ever being proud of what he does. For getting so defensive when Ashe criticized it, for thinking anyone deserved to get fucked over because he didn't like them. Worse, he's a hypocrite. For all his claims of doing what he did to survive and protect his people, how many of the people he hurt or killed were just trying to protect theirs? To survive as well?
"I can't do this. I'm not a righteous thief, I'm not some savior of the downtrodden. I'm a hypocrite and a murderer."
Ashe doesn't say anything, and Yuri wishes he would just drop the I told you so already.
"I've felt the same way about killing bandits," he finally says. "Wondering if they were just trying to feed their families like I once was, if their kids were waiting at home for their father, what I'd say or do if I ever ran into those kids on the street."
"But that's you, Ashe. For years I kept telling myself I was above all that," Yuri sighs. "I don't know if I can keep doing this. People need me, they're counting on me, but after tonight..."
He leans against Ashe's chest, and Ashe tugs the covers up and around them, stroking his back.
"You're a good person, Yuri," he murmurs. "I always thought so, I still do even after what happened tonight, and no matter what you decide to do after this my feelings won't change." Of course hearing that makes him feel a little better, because it's Ashe and he knows even if Ashe doesn't approve of everything he does he refuses to give up on him.
"I know." He sighs. "I don't think I want to sleep tonight. Tell me about the cats, or what your siblings are up to, or the latest book you've been reading." Ashe smiles, pulling him closer as he starts to talk about his latest fanciful tale of storybook knights fucking each other.
He knows how lucky he is to have someone like Ashe, especially after tonight. That, he'll never take for granted.