It's been months since her rescue, and she still can't be alone in an enclosed space without remembering everything down to the number of cracks in the wall of her cell. Her wrists have fully healed, but she still feels the painful cold of the shackles. She still hears the whispers of her captors, a rare Crest, a familiar body...use for all parts...keep an eye on...

It's the curse of having a perfect memory. Alongside everything good she can remember (the moments spent with Lady Edelgard in childhood, the name of every hunting dog her father owned, every book she read the previous year) lie every moment from her kidnapping to her rescue (the spell putting her into a deep sleep, Tomas's hand on her mouth, Kronya's evil giggle, the gleam of the sharp tools they would use to cut into her flesh).

So she tries to remember everything about Lady Edelgard, from the past to the present. If she cannot erase the bad memories, she can at least try to overshadow them.

During the daytime, it's easy. She spends as much time with Lady Edelgard as she can, but also with the rest of the Black Eagles. Practicing magic with Dorothea and Linhardt, coaxing Bernadetta to let her read her writing, trying not to giggle at Ferdinand's over the top proclamations. She's their senior, but they treat her as if she'd always been a member of their class.

But nighttime is another story. She can't control what she dreams about, and her dreams always take her back to that cold, dark place. The ache in her side as she's thrown onto the cold stone floor, the shackles clamping around her wrists, Tomas revealing his grotesque form and promising she'll be "just what they need" for their experiments. Kronya visiting her every day to taunt her about the "special plans" she has for her.

Kronya's still out there, too. Monica knows via whispers that their bodies are made to withstand more than humans, and she fled the battle before they could do any meaningful damage.

She knows, logically, that forgoing sleep is a bad idea. But when she keeps waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, having to check her surroundings over and over to make sure it's a warm room in the Imperial Palace and not a cold cell, what's the point of trying?

Tonight is no different, and this time she wakes up just as the scalpel is pressing above her heart.

She screams, and immediately regrets it. She never screams, it would disturb everyone's rest and be embarrassing. But this time she does and there's a knock at her door and she tries to pretend she's still asleep. She's not in the mood for some servant or anyone else to fuss over her.

"Monica?"

Oh. This is even worse.

"I'm sorry, Lady Edelgard, I didn't mean to wake you up. Please, go back to sleep," she implores, but the door is opening. "No, really, I-"

"How long have you been having nightmares?" At any other time, Monica would be over the moon that Lady Edelgard was so concerned about her, but right now she just feels humiliated. Lady Edelgard is currently about to undertake something that will change not just Adrestia, but Fodlan as a whole forever, and not only does she need a clear head for that, she needs a competent officer who can aid her every step of the way.

Not a pathetic child still whimpering over dreams.

"I'm okay, really. Please..." But Lady Edelgard is coming in, turning on one of the oil lamps, and Monica tries to hide under her covers so she won't see her teary eyes.

The covers are pulled from her head. Monica shrinks back, but Lady Edelgard holds out her hand.

"Come with me."

She only hesitates for a second before she takes that hand.

Adrestia's nights are often warmer than average, but tonight there's a bit of a breeze flowing as Lady Edelgard leads her out to one of the palace gardens. They sit on a fancy bench of wrought-iron curls padded with fancy seat cushions, underneath a clear and starry sky.

"This is where I come when I have nightmares," Edelgard says, and Monica blinks.

"You...?" Edelgard nods slowly, her expression gentle and sad.

"You remember how I used to have all those brothers and sisters, right?" Monica nods, she remembers every one of them down to their names, their hair colors, and favorite foods. She also remembers how one day they disappeared and after that, no one spoke of them. No memorial services, no news circlulating.

"People tried to claim you were the Emperor's only child," she said. "But I remembered. I asked you where they were one day and you almost cried, and Hubert got mad at me..."

And then she remembers how Edelgard's hair was white the next time she saw her, how Emperor Ionious IX was so sick and Lady Anselma was nowhere to be found. She remembers every detail, but she never thought to put the pieces together.

Her heart sinks into her stomach.

"You, too?" Edelgard nods, and Monica squeezes her hand. "I'm so-"

"Don't." Edelgard looks up at the sky. "It won't bring them back." And she falls silent, Monica's gaze alternating between her and the flowers surrounding them. She remembers her visits to the palace, Edelgard's brown hair, Franz following them around, Clara doting on them, the cat who came to the palace to have her kittens.

It won't bring them back. But she knows it hurts, she can see it on Edelgard's face.

"We're here, though."

Edelgard turns back to her, a tiny smile on her face.

"You're here." She moves closer, lacing her fingers through Monica's. "Back then I wasn't strong enough to save anyone. But this time I was." Monica slumps against her, closing her eyes.

"I was scared," she finally lets herself admit. Edelgard's arms encircle her, and Monica lets her tears flow for the second time that night. "Every day in that fortress was one day closer to my death, and one of my biggest fears was that I'd never see you again."

"It's okay." Edelgard holds her closer. "It's okay to be scared. But I'll make sure you never have reason to be again."

She believes every word as they slowly seep into her heart, and for the first time in months Monica feels truly safe.